I have some friends not a whole lot of friends but some friends and I really like it that way. Mostly, because 99.9 percent of the human race annoys the living shit out of me and I have a clear cut rule – if you annoy the living shit out of me or annoy me period, we can’t be friends, not even buddies or neighbors, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to move. I’m strange like that, but I just hate talking to people that annoy me, and when you annoy me, I have no intension whatsoever talking to you or hearing any of your stories and here is how you gonna know you annoy me to the extend of physical pain - one year of ‘missing your calls’ or ‘not having time’ – Simple as that. Eleven months? Still in the boundries of ‘might actually have been bad luck’, but once that one year barrier has been breached, its o-fuckin-fficial. Sorry guys, I just select my friends very carefully and I’m amazingly picky. When I meet people, I expect them to be jerks but they can work their way up the ladder step by step if they don’t make it I’ll drop em. You just didn’t make the cut, cause I’m like everyone else, I just admit it - people heavily tend to not admit it cause it’s awkward, but that’s what makes you end up with a bunch of friends you wish god would magically steer into a brick wall, and lets face it, every group of friends has one individual in the group that nobody really likes, but no one has the balls to tell him to fuck off so you keep dragging him along treating him like shit and that’s supposed to be more humane? Don’t think so fuckers.
I guess when it comes to friends and relationships I’m somewhat special and here’s the fun part – I AM SPECIAL – I actually carry features that makes a person special – Here’s an example of what doesn’t qualify for being fuckin special, even though girls all fuckin think they are cause not a day goes by that they won’t communicate to everyone they meet that they aren’t your every day girl cause “most of my friends are boys,” and that they “just prefer the company of men over the company of women”.
So basically you’re trying to convince yourself of being a boy deep down inside? Just with an extra cavity and uncontrollable blood shed once a month but NAH FUCKIN AH!
You aren’t special and there are 4 simple reasons you have more male than female friends:
RESON ONE – You are jealous of every human being that could be competition when it comes to getting banged. And since nine out of ten times, that’s gonna be other women ... do the math.
Sure, there’s the occasional gay dude that likes it up the ass as much as you do, but overall it’s females that will grab the guy you thought is cute and bitchslap you into a crying frenzy ending up at (SEE REFERENCE 1) doing your ‘best friend’ for the 20th time.
REASON TWO – All your former best female friends have at some point betrayed you. And just for the record, you betrayed em at least as much but still, it hurts so you figure the best way to avoid heartbreak in the future is to hang around boys, all they can do is not pull out in time.
REASON THREE – You want to be safe in case a boy gets the hots for you and you have to pull the plug real quick, being able to tell him: “Oh I’m sorry poor fuck, I just like you as a friend and I thought you feel the same way.”
Really? Do you? You still thought that after he invited you to dinner 4 FUCKIN TIMES and bought red lingerie with a default opening between the thighs?
BULLSHIT BITCH, THAT’S PLANE AND SIMPLE BS, you knew it soon enough now just using the ‘I thought we felt the same way and just are reeeeeal good friends’ verbal vomit.
REASON FOUR - You don’t actually have more male friends you’re just saying that because you think it makes you stand out. Well, breaking news - it don’t honey. It’s just annoying and … remember what I tend to do with annoying people? Exactly, not call em back and certainly no shimmy sham.
And boys, here’s a tip … if a girl tells you she just wants to be friends and you want more - Lace up your boots and walk da fuck away as far as you can. There’s nothing but heartbreak at the end of that road and if she could actually imagine being with you for real, she’ll call you up once you walked away and she’ll tell you that she thought about it and now that you’re gone, she sees how much she liked you in the first place and so on and so forth.
In closing, here are a couple of phrases we don’t want to hear anymore cause they are A: phony lies and B: not true
- “I could sleep in a room full of my best male buddies and nothing would happen”
THE TRUTH – You prolly already did it, and just don’t remember them gang banging you cause you were too drunk to even sit up for the facial.
- “My true best friends are boys, and I can talk about ANYTHING with them”
THE TRUTH – They just listen cause they hope you’ll give them something in return which is a fancy way of saying they want you on their bed naked, legs spread, open mouth and ready to get jiggy.
- “I like hanging out with boys, cause women are just mean”
THE TRUTH - Period - I ain’t gonna fight you on that one sweety.
- “Kyle*, hes like my best friend, and I could neveeer have sex with him”
THE TRUTH - (REFERENCE 1) Yes you could and you prolly already have in all god known variations so no more ‘don’t be jealous, its just Kyle*’ or ‘what Kyle* and I have is beyond sex, it’s friendship’ – Listen honeybuns – I’m not as stupid as Kyle* looks so please tell those fairy tales to one of your girlfriends but if you want me to be your boyfriend and maybe future father of your kids, stay DA FUCK away from boys that you’re ‘just friends with’. Cause that will keep ME from going over to Kyles* house, kicking in his door, grabbing him by the throat with a tire iron in my hand: “Hey there Kyle*, I’m sure it’ll be cool with you to stay away from my woman I would hate if I had to come back here with a real temper and cruise control a segway up your ass. Agreed? Great! She was right, you’re an awesome dude now go change your pants.”.
Now here’s my policy when it comes to female friends … Female friends can only be girls that …
… are clearly unattractive in my book
… I’m related to
I guess when it comes to friends and relationships I’m somewhat special and here’s the fun part – I AM SPECIAL – I actually carry features that makes a person special – Here’s an example of what doesn’t qualify for being fuckin special, even though girls all fuckin think they are cause not a day goes by that they won’t communicate to everyone they meet that they aren’t your every day girl cause “most of my friends are boys,” and that they “just prefer the company of men over the company of women”.
So basically you’re trying to convince yourself of being a boy deep down inside? Just with an extra cavity and uncontrollable blood shed once a month but NAH FUCKIN AH!
You aren’t special and there are 4 simple reasons you have more male than female friends:
RESON ONE – You are jealous of every human being that could be competition when it comes to getting banged. And since nine out of ten times, that’s gonna be other women ... do the math.
Sure, there’s the occasional gay dude that likes it up the ass as much as you do, but overall it’s females that will grab the guy you thought is cute and bitchslap you into a crying frenzy ending up at (SEE REFERENCE 1) doing your ‘best friend’ for the 20th time.
REASON TWO – All your former best female friends have at some point betrayed you. And just for the record, you betrayed em at least as much but still, it hurts so you figure the best way to avoid heartbreak in the future is to hang around boys, all they can do is not pull out in time.
REASON THREE – You want to be safe in case a boy gets the hots for you and you have to pull the plug real quick, being able to tell him: “Oh I’m sorry poor fuck, I just like you as a friend and I thought you feel the same way.”
Really? Do you? You still thought that after he invited you to dinner 4 FUCKIN TIMES and bought red lingerie with a default opening between the thighs?
BULLSHIT BITCH, THAT’S PLANE AND SIMPLE BS, you knew it soon enough now just using the ‘I thought we felt the same way and just are reeeeeal good friends’ verbal vomit.
REASON FOUR - You don’t actually have more male friends you’re just saying that because you think it makes you stand out. Well, breaking news - it don’t honey. It’s just annoying and … remember what I tend to do with annoying people? Exactly, not call em back and certainly no shimmy sham.
And boys, here’s a tip … if a girl tells you she just wants to be friends and you want more - Lace up your boots and walk da fuck away as far as you can. There’s nothing but heartbreak at the end of that road and if she could actually imagine being with you for real, she’ll call you up once you walked away and she’ll tell you that she thought about it and now that you’re gone, she sees how much she liked you in the first place and so on and so forth.
In closing, here are a couple of phrases we don’t want to hear anymore cause they are A: phony lies and B: not true
- “I could sleep in a room full of my best male buddies and nothing would happen”
THE TRUTH – You prolly already did it, and just don’t remember them gang banging you cause you were too drunk to even sit up for the facial.
- “My true best friends are boys, and I can talk about ANYTHING with them”
THE TRUTH – They just listen cause they hope you’ll give them something in return which is a fancy way of saying they want you on their bed naked, legs spread, open mouth and ready to get jiggy.
- “I like hanging out with boys, cause women are just mean”
THE TRUTH - Period - I ain’t gonna fight you on that one sweety.
- “Kyle*, hes like my best friend, and I could neveeer have sex with him”
THE TRUTH - (REFERENCE 1) Yes you could and you prolly already have in all god known variations so no more ‘don’t be jealous, its just Kyle*’ or ‘what Kyle* and I have is beyond sex, it’s friendship’ – Listen honeybuns – I’m not as stupid as Kyle* looks so please tell those fairy tales to one of your girlfriends but if you want me to be your boyfriend and maybe future father of your kids, stay DA FUCK away from boys that you’re ‘just friends with’. Cause that will keep ME from going over to Kyles* house, kicking in his door, grabbing him by the throat with a tire iron in my hand: “Hey there Kyle*, I’m sure it’ll be cool with you to stay away from my woman I would hate if I had to come back here with a real temper and cruise control a segway up your ass. Agreed? Great! She was right, you’re an awesome dude now go change your pants.”.
Now here’s my policy when it comes to female friends … Female friends can only be girls that …
… are clearly unattractive in my book
… I’m related to
... some other exception I'll make up once I need it
So girls, don’t take it personal, but I don’t want to be friends with you. I like girls too much and have way too much testosteronic (I made that word up) potential to hang out with you without praying you already lose those skirt and panties.
*Replace with any other gay male name
So girls, don’t take it personal, but I don’t want to be friends with you. I like girls too much and have way too much testosteronic (I made that word up) potential to hang out with you without praying you already lose those skirt and panties.
*Replace with any other gay male name
