Keep it

If you are on eBay, you'll know what I'm talking about, if you aren't, just enjoy the swearing. Cause I'm gonna swear ... a fucking lot.

Speaking of 'a lot' (yea that's right, it's called transition - BAM!) I shop at eBay a lot, in fact I'd say 80 percent of what I fuckin own has been bought on eBay and I probably paid half of what I would've paid in stores. New stuff too, it's not like I bought pre-owned shit.

There are some habits of ebay users tho, that really make me wanna punch them in their goddamn faces with a two-slot toaster (cause you can grab em real fuckin tight).

First of all, don't put a 'gay' ANYWHERE in your item description for no reason, just because you think that gay people only search eBay for the term 'gay'. No, if they want grey sweatpants, they're gonna search for 'grey' and effin 'sweatpants'. Sounds crazy but whatcha gonna do. So save the GAY in 'Nice new pair of biker boots GAY' ... how many gay bikers do you know anyway (except for the one that might have been part of the Village People)? Thats right, 5 to none in all of earths population. If anything bikers are chick magnets cause, well, they have bikes and fucking BIKER BOOTS.

Same goes for headphones: WTF are "Headphones, InEar - GAY"? The only time headphones are gay is when they're leather slacks in which case you don't call em headphones you call em leather fuckin slacks. So please stop describing your item featuring GAY in the item desciption - it's annoying and it keeps people like me, with slightly homophobic tendencies from buying your shit.

Then there's the whole being nice thing in item descriptions ... here's the deal: I'm either interested in your shit, or I'm not. Interest ain't gonna magically a-fuckin-ppear cause you are telling me 'how much you appreciate' me looking at your item or you crawling up my ass by highlighting the word ANY in 'if you have ANY questions, don't hesitate to email me' and of course the part where you communicate to the whole goddamn world how much you loved the thing and how hard it is for you to sell it - do me a little favor: STFU ... if you like it, fuckin keep it, dont bother offering it, I dont fuckin want it then. You think Im gonna bid more cause you still like it? Pitty bids? Do not think so assfuck.

Also, PLEASE dont tell me how much YOU paid for it back when you bought it and don't tell me WHY you're selling it - believe me, I could not care less. I just want to get your shit as cheap as possible, as fast as possible.

Couple of other Dont's:

- Don't put an item up for sale on eBay and then go on a fuckin safari. Sell your shit when you're at home and able to send it to me once I bought it. If you can't handle that, don't put it up for sale or don't go to fuckin Africa for the goddamn safari, who does that anymore anyway??? It's cruel and what not ... although, I might confuse it with zoo, I'm not sure.

- Don't tell me which occasions clothes are for - I can figure it out myself most of the time. The white suit and baseball hat, prolly not my number one pick at a funeral and yes, I can see that the shirt is black, plus by now I've heard too that black can be worn with anything.
And while we're at it:

- Don't give me the 'precious black' or 'premium white' wannabe sales executive bullshit ... it's black and white, they're not even real colors so don't sell em to me like you just went on that safari and found a new, undiscovered shade in the jungle. It's plain fuckin black.

- Don't tell me that you only used it or have only worn it 2 or 3 times or that it's 'kinda like new' cause ... it's KINDA NOT. I dont believe you. Sure, one out of 10000 times it's true, but the rest of the time you're just trying to make me believe you haven't really done anything with this thing and you know what, EVERYONE else on eBay does the same thing, EVERYONE is hip to that fuckin trick, for god's sake save yourself some keyboard wear and tear so you can tell me "only used two or three times in the last 10 years" when you sell your piece of crapshit computer.

- Dont tell me how great an item is, what features it has and how good it looks when the last sentence of the description reads something like:' ... only downside, it doesn't work anymore'. Ok ... let me get this straight, you just made me read about 50 lines of text describing the DVD Recorder (which I'm pretty sure I didn't need in the first place) like you're a fuckin medieval story teller at fuckin King Arthur's court and your last line is 'just won't read or write dvds anymore'? ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?

Now I'm ready to trade in my two slot toaster for a fuckin sledgehammer. Seriously.

- Don't start bidding at $120 and make BUY NOW available for $120,50. You retarded? What's the whole point? Do you get the concept of AUCTIONS? At all-ish?

- Don't charge 35 dollars for shipping ankle socks from Brooklyn to Queens when you easily could fucking toss em over. If it's too much of an effort for you to ship shit, don't sell it and don't call it handling fee either. It's picking up, putting in a box, closing the box and sending the box away. You think you're the first person to send shit out? You think I ENJOY that part? Cause I don't. Handling fees are for when you buy a computer and DELL has to put it together first after they sold you a quad core you'll never use but thought it sounded cool. What you do when shipping eBay items is called PARCELING, not hand, not ling, PARCELING.

Random Rants Vol. 1

Here are a COUPLE OF things that really annoy the shit out of me.

• Having an 1800s phone cell ring tone ... it's not cute, it has no charme it's just annoying and you are too
• Doorbells that sound like telephones (WTF?)
• The 'Do not eat' warning on silica gel packs: if you ate it in the first place, you either can't read anyway or you just deserve to choke on it, it's called natural selection
• Xena
• People giving you input on what to do when you tell em you're bored

Lose the tude midget!

I'm the last person to judge and categorize people just by the way god made them look. In fact, even the commonly used 1 to 10 rating system for a persons look is working for me just fine and I don't care if I'm with a 1 or a 10 - those shallow things don't count.

BUT then there are people that don't even make it into that rating system, not because they're too pretty, that doesn't happen, no, I'm talking people that god clearly played a prank on, maybe punished them for being Hitler or that guy that played the Penguin on the 60s Batman series in their past lifes. You instantly notice those people when you see em. They don't appaear in packs cause there aren't too many of em out there and sometimes you just accidently look at them or you have to look at them for job reasons or whatever.

And even in this case I say: let em live, just let em live, it's prolly nothing they could've done about it, so just treat em with respect and like you didn't notice the obvious.

The story could end right here, with a happy end for us and them but no ... amongst those there are people that have a huuuuuuuge attitude goin alongside their uglyness and that my friends, I cannot tolerate. When someone gives you lemons, in this case, really bad lemons, you've gotta at least try and make lemonade but when you don't and on top of that you cop an attitude like you're a fuckin Perfect 10, all bets are off. There's a reason people say 'you act like a Perfect 10' - it's because when you are a Perfect 10, you CAN act like a Perfect 10, cause you're a fuckin Perfect 10 and everyone is gonna be fuckin nice to you cause they live in a dream world where 'being nice' + 'to someone who is hot' equals 'sex'. Simple as that.

Ugly people, you just can't afford that, tough noogies, but that's how it is.

On a somewhat different level (literally and figuratively) the same goes for midgets or differently heighted persons or whatever da fuck you have to call em these days - You can't act up with a guy that's 6'4 and over 300 pounds. He's just gonna put you on a hanger and close the goddamn wardrobe.

Now, you might see all of this completely different and have the opinion that god just sometimes is in a hurry wraping his gifts, like we all are from time to time, and that's cool with me, I won't take that opinion away from you, still ... when you look at someone and can't convince yourself after weeks that the person is at least somewhat adorable, not even in a National Geographic kinda way, stop trying ... you're not a bad person.

I Dream Of Jenna

Just to let you know upfront - I’m disgusted with myself.

So I‘ve had this all-night dream yesterday, featuring myself and Jenna Jameson! Yeah, I know what ya’ll think and that’s where things go terribly wrong - In that dream I was, get this, FRIENDS with Jenna. Yeah, no need to read it again, capital F capital RIENDS, best friends to be exact.

We were pretty tight I gotta say …

But WHAT da fuck is wrong with me? I mean it’s bad enough to dream about being fiends with a woman, but friends with Jenna?! Why? What purpose does it serve to be friends with her? EXACTLY O point NONE. And not only was I just friends with her, we did the dishes (?!?!) together, then watched TV with her boyfriend Tito Ortiz - ya, he was in my friggin head too and that’s where the buck stops:

It’s borderline gay dreaming of being best goddamn friends with a pornstar, but I really crossed a very, very awkwared and disturbing line when my fruitcake upped brain brings in Tito as well. It’s just not right man … Don’t I deserve to have normal-ass dreams? You know, the pure, decent, solid nine to five guy-dream stuff like raping a japanese minor on the subway?

But what can I do now, after the fact? When I woke up my first impulse was to call the catholic church to ask for a de-gay-specialist. But they probably would’ve just told me to call again when the girls I’m just friends with in my dreams are little boys. So there goes that lifeline.

I’m now planing on consulting a crack team of ‘dreamologists’ if thats a word, and hope they can shed light on my sorry soul and explain to me what made me talk about pros and cons of using washing cloth with an, I assume, slipless Jenna sitting next to me on the sofa.

The only thing left for me to do now, is try and be really, really not gay as much as I can.