- People that can click their fingers on both hands simultaneously.
- People that have a "never say die" attitude ... why don't you just go ahead and ... die.
- Eva Longoria ... yea, plus anybody who tells me for the 699th. time how hot I'm supposed to find that bitch - She's got nothing and she's 3'11?
- Dart players or poker players or pros on the bass tour that call themselves 'crazy motherfuckers' ... you're a gloryfied fisherman, get over it.
- People saying they hate christmas because they think it makes them cool and then secretly jerk on christmas ornaments.
- Female Superheroes other than Milla Jovovich. My theory: she actually has superpowers
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Random Rants Vol. 2
Here are a couple of things that really annoy the shit out of me.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Big fuckin whoop ...
I have some friends not a whole lot of friends but some friends and I really like it that way. Mostly, because 99.9 percent of the human race annoys the living shit out of me and I have a clear cut rule – if you annoy the living shit out of me or annoy me period, we can’t be friends, not even buddies or neighbors, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to move. I’m strange like that, but I just hate talking to people that annoy me, and when you annoy me, I have no intension whatsoever talking to you or hearing any of your stories and here is how you gonna know you annoy me to the extend of physical pain - one year of ‘missing your calls’ or ‘not having time’ – Simple as that. Eleven months? Still in the boundries of ‘might actually have been bad luck’, but once that one year barrier has been breached, its o-fuckin-fficial. Sorry guys, I just select my friends very carefully and I’m amazingly picky. When I meet people, I expect them to be jerks but they can work their way up the ladder step by step if they don’t make it I’ll drop em. You just didn’t make the cut, cause I’m like everyone else, I just admit it - people heavily tend to not admit it cause it’s awkward, but that’s what makes you end up with a bunch of friends you wish god would magically steer into a brick wall, and lets face it, every group of friends has one individual in the group that nobody really likes, but no one has the balls to tell him to fuck off so you keep dragging him along treating him like shit and that’s supposed to be more humane? Don’t think so fuckers.
I guess when it comes to friends and relationships I’m somewhat special and here’s the fun part – I AM SPECIAL – I actually carry features that makes a person special – Here’s an example of what doesn’t qualify for being fuckin special, even though girls all fuckin think they are cause not a day goes by that they won’t communicate to everyone they meet that they aren’t your every day girl cause “most of my friends are boys,” and that they “just prefer the company of men over the company of women”.
So basically you’re trying to convince yourself of being a boy deep down inside? Just with an extra cavity and uncontrollable blood shed once a month but NAH FUCKIN AH!
You aren’t special and there are 4 simple reasons you have more male than female friends:
RESON ONE – You are jealous of every human being that could be competition when it comes to getting banged. And since nine out of ten times, that’s gonna be other women ... do the math.
Sure, there’s the occasional gay dude that likes it up the ass as much as you do, but overall it’s females that will grab the guy you thought is cute and bitchslap you into a crying frenzy ending up at (SEE REFERENCE 1) doing your ‘best friend’ for the 20th time.
REASON TWO – All your former best female friends have at some point betrayed you. And just for the record, you betrayed em at least as much but still, it hurts so you figure the best way to avoid heartbreak in the future is to hang around boys, all they can do is not pull out in time.
REASON THREE – You want to be safe in case a boy gets the hots for you and you have to pull the plug real quick, being able to tell him: “Oh I’m sorry poor fuck, I just like you as a friend and I thought you feel the same way.”
Really? Do you? You still thought that after he invited you to dinner 4 FUCKIN TIMES and bought red lingerie with a default opening between the thighs?
BULLSHIT BITCH, THAT’S PLANE AND SIMPLE BS, you knew it soon enough now just using the ‘I thought we felt the same way and just are reeeeeal good friends’ verbal vomit.
REASON FOUR - You don’t actually have more male friends you’re just saying that because you think it makes you stand out. Well, breaking news - it don’t honey. It’s just annoying and … remember what I tend to do with annoying people? Exactly, not call em back and certainly no shimmy sham.
And boys, here’s a tip … if a girl tells you she just wants to be friends and you want more - Lace up your boots and walk da fuck away as far as you can. There’s nothing but heartbreak at the end of that road and if she could actually imagine being with you for real, she’ll call you up once you walked away and she’ll tell you that she thought about it and now that you’re gone, she sees how much she liked you in the first place and so on and so forth.
In closing, here are a couple of phrases we don’t want to hear anymore cause they are A: phony lies and B: not true
- “I could sleep in a room full of my best male buddies and nothing would happen”
THE TRUTH – You prolly already did it, and just don’t remember them gang banging you cause you were too drunk to even sit up for the facial.
- “My true best friends are boys, and I can talk about ANYTHING with them”
THE TRUTH – They just listen cause they hope you’ll give them something in return which is a fancy way of saying they want you on their bed naked, legs spread, open mouth and ready to get jiggy.
- “I like hanging out with boys, cause women are just mean”
THE TRUTH - Period - I ain’t gonna fight you on that one sweety.
- “Kyle*, hes like my best friend, and I could neveeer have sex with him”
THE TRUTH - (REFERENCE 1) Yes you could and you prolly already have in all god known variations so no more ‘don’t be jealous, its just Kyle*’ or ‘what Kyle* and I have is beyond sex, it’s friendship’ – Listen honeybuns – I’m not as stupid as Kyle* looks so please tell those fairy tales to one of your girlfriends but if you want me to be your boyfriend and maybe future father of your kids, stay DA FUCK away from boys that you’re ‘just friends with’. Cause that will keep ME from going over to Kyles* house, kicking in his door, grabbing him by the throat with a tire iron in my hand: “Hey there Kyle*, I’m sure it’ll be cool with you to stay away from my woman I would hate if I had to come back here with a real temper and cruise control a segway up your ass. Agreed? Great! She was right, you’re an awesome dude now go change your pants.”.
Now here’s my policy when it comes to female friends … Female friends can only be girls that …
… are clearly unattractive in my book
… I’m related to
I guess when it comes to friends and relationships I’m somewhat special and here’s the fun part – I AM SPECIAL – I actually carry features that makes a person special – Here’s an example of what doesn’t qualify for being fuckin special, even though girls all fuckin think they are cause not a day goes by that they won’t communicate to everyone they meet that they aren’t your every day girl cause “most of my friends are boys,” and that they “just prefer the company of men over the company of women”.
So basically you’re trying to convince yourself of being a boy deep down inside? Just with an extra cavity and uncontrollable blood shed once a month but NAH FUCKIN AH!
You aren’t special and there are 4 simple reasons you have more male than female friends:
RESON ONE – You are jealous of every human being that could be competition when it comes to getting banged. And since nine out of ten times, that’s gonna be other women ... do the math.
Sure, there’s the occasional gay dude that likes it up the ass as much as you do, but overall it’s females that will grab the guy you thought is cute and bitchslap you into a crying frenzy ending up at (SEE REFERENCE 1) doing your ‘best friend’ for the 20th time.
REASON TWO – All your former best female friends have at some point betrayed you. And just for the record, you betrayed em at least as much but still, it hurts so you figure the best way to avoid heartbreak in the future is to hang around boys, all they can do is not pull out in time.
REASON THREE – You want to be safe in case a boy gets the hots for you and you have to pull the plug real quick, being able to tell him: “Oh I’m sorry poor fuck, I just like you as a friend and I thought you feel the same way.”
Really? Do you? You still thought that after he invited you to dinner 4 FUCKIN TIMES and bought red lingerie with a default opening between the thighs?
BULLSHIT BITCH, THAT’S PLANE AND SIMPLE BS, you knew it soon enough now just using the ‘I thought we felt the same way and just are reeeeeal good friends’ verbal vomit.
REASON FOUR - You don’t actually have more male friends you’re just saying that because you think it makes you stand out. Well, breaking news - it don’t honey. It’s just annoying and … remember what I tend to do with annoying people? Exactly, not call em back and certainly no shimmy sham.
And boys, here’s a tip … if a girl tells you she just wants to be friends and you want more - Lace up your boots and walk da fuck away as far as you can. There’s nothing but heartbreak at the end of that road and if she could actually imagine being with you for real, she’ll call you up once you walked away and she’ll tell you that she thought about it and now that you’re gone, she sees how much she liked you in the first place and so on and so forth.
In closing, here are a couple of phrases we don’t want to hear anymore cause they are A: phony lies and B: not true
- “I could sleep in a room full of my best male buddies and nothing would happen”
THE TRUTH – You prolly already did it, and just don’t remember them gang banging you cause you were too drunk to even sit up for the facial.
- “My true best friends are boys, and I can talk about ANYTHING with them”
THE TRUTH – They just listen cause they hope you’ll give them something in return which is a fancy way of saying they want you on their bed naked, legs spread, open mouth and ready to get jiggy.
- “I like hanging out with boys, cause women are just mean”
THE TRUTH - Period - I ain’t gonna fight you on that one sweety.
- “Kyle*, hes like my best friend, and I could neveeer have sex with him”
THE TRUTH - (REFERENCE 1) Yes you could and you prolly already have in all god known variations so no more ‘don’t be jealous, its just Kyle*’ or ‘what Kyle* and I have is beyond sex, it’s friendship’ – Listen honeybuns – I’m not as stupid as Kyle* looks so please tell those fairy tales to one of your girlfriends but if you want me to be your boyfriend and maybe future father of your kids, stay DA FUCK away from boys that you’re ‘just friends with’. Cause that will keep ME from going over to Kyles* house, kicking in his door, grabbing him by the throat with a tire iron in my hand: “Hey there Kyle*, I’m sure it’ll be cool with you to stay away from my woman I would hate if I had to come back here with a real temper and cruise control a segway up your ass. Agreed? Great! She was right, you’re an awesome dude now go change your pants.”.
Now here’s my policy when it comes to female friends … Female friends can only be girls that …
… are clearly unattractive in my book
… I’m related to
... some other exception I'll make up once I need it
So girls, don’t take it personal, but I don’t want to be friends with you. I like girls too much and have way too much testosteronic (I made that word up) potential to hang out with you without praying you already lose those skirt and panties.
*Replace with any other gay male name
So girls, don’t take it personal, but I don’t want to be friends with you. I like girls too much and have way too much testosteronic (I made that word up) potential to hang out with you without praying you already lose those skirt and panties.
*Replace with any other gay male name
Friday, November 23, 2007
I am the next level in male evolution
Right now I’m sitting on a train from Munich to Frankfurt watching Transformers. I’m pretty excited cause I found out German high tech train “ICE” has power outlets for my laptop which means FUCK YOU battery pack bitch.
Transformers by the way is pretty friggin awesome. They don’t make movies like that anymore. Nowadays it’s all about dragons or ... hobits (enough with the hobits!!!!) and lesbians raping their dogs before changing genders and everybody speaks British English and pretends to be sophisticated. Which is why I didn’t care for the blonde girl on Transformers too much. The way that woman talked made me throw up in my mouth a couple of times. How about we just agree to agree that British English is disgusting. I’m not saying we should set up a worldwide law prohibiting and punishing it (altho, I’m not saying we couldn’t do that either) but we should at least try to contain it and keep it da fuck out of action movies. Keep french people away from those too while we’re at it.
Of course, the language and accent wouldn’t have kept me from having sex with the girl. And here’s the thing too ladies ... what’s the deal with some of you and your eyebrows? Do you actually think shaving em off and painting em back on makes us horni(er)? Let me put it this way: NO.
We didn’t even notice women had eyebrows until some of you started doing that shit and you have NEVER, and will NEVER hear the words: “Listen honey, you are so hot I wanna hammer you right here right now in front of all those strangers till sundown IF IT WASNT FOR YOUR EYEBROWS, they pretty much gross me out. Good Day”
Again: this will NEVER HAPPEN, HAS NEVER happened and should it ever happen I’m gonna change genders and hang myself afterwards.
Back to the movie and it’s awesomeness, especially when it comes to reality – for me, the underneath tag line of Transformers was not about robots or aliens or how secretive governments are but about one thing and one thing only: Yes, Michael Bay - It would take a fucking alien robot invasion to change stupid whores from doing the “I think you’re cute and funny and nice, but now I'm gonna go blow my boyfriend the quarterback” scheme.
Really? You’re unhappy with your relationship? You think you arent being treated right? Well, how about next time you get over your disgusting shallowness and pick your bf based on at least 20 percent character and how he treats you instead of how much he can bench press and what car he drives? I’m just spit balling here, but it sounds pretty goddamn reasonable, now doesn’t it? (btw. ladies, I benchpress a fuckin lot and drive a Jeep but ... whatever yknow)
But we all know what’s gonna happen. You’ll cry and moan and ask yourself why men are assholes, and then you’ll go to a bar and instead of having a drink with the nice waiter when he gets off work, you’ll jump right on top of the dick of the attending jock – and you know what – that’s cool, that’s so cool with me. But bitch please, please spare us the drama and the tears and the ‘I wonder what I’m doing wrong’. YOU KNOW what you’re doing wrong, I KNOW what you’re doing wrong, even the dipshit quarterback knows what you’re doing wrong.
So here’s what’s gonna happen eventually … and I know this, cause I’m the next damn level in male evolution:
At some point, men just won’t be interested in you bimbos anymore. Are you scared Amber sweetie? You should be. Cause although women THINK they are way more about inner beauty, in reality, men are (once again) gonna be the ones that pick up the ball and run with it instead of just talking about shit.
Yea. It’ll happen whores. One day, in the near future, men will pick their partners only based on character. Sure, looks are always gonna be important, and I sure as hell wont date people like this, but overall, the male race (yes, I said race) is gonna set the standards and moral highgrounds - yet again.
The End
Transformers by the way is pretty friggin awesome. They don’t make movies like that anymore. Nowadays it’s all about dragons or ... hobits (enough with the hobits!!!!) and lesbians raping their dogs before changing genders and everybody speaks British English and pretends to be sophisticated. Which is why I didn’t care for the blonde girl on Transformers too much. The way that woman talked made me throw up in my mouth a couple of times. How about we just agree to agree that British English is disgusting. I’m not saying we should set up a worldwide law prohibiting and punishing it (altho, I’m not saying we couldn’t do that either) but we should at least try to contain it and keep it da fuck out of action movies. Keep french people away from those too while we’re at it.
Of course, the language and accent wouldn’t have kept me from having sex with the girl. And here’s the thing too ladies ... what’s the deal with some of you and your eyebrows? Do you actually think shaving em off and painting em back on makes us horni(er)? Let me put it this way: NO.
We didn’t even notice women had eyebrows until some of you started doing that shit and you have NEVER, and will NEVER hear the words: “Listen honey, you are so hot I wanna hammer you right here right now in front of all those strangers till sundown IF IT WASNT FOR YOUR EYEBROWS, they pretty much gross me out. Good Day”
Again: this will NEVER HAPPEN, HAS NEVER happened and should it ever happen I’m gonna change genders and hang myself afterwards.
Back to the movie and it’s awesomeness, especially when it comes to reality – for me, the underneath tag line of Transformers was not about robots or aliens or how secretive governments are but about one thing and one thing only: Yes, Michael Bay - It would take a fucking alien robot invasion to change stupid whores from doing the “I think you’re cute and funny and nice, but now I'm gonna go blow my boyfriend the quarterback” scheme.
Really? You’re unhappy with your relationship? You think you arent being treated right? Well, how about next time you get over your disgusting shallowness and pick your bf based on at least 20 percent character and how he treats you instead of how much he can bench press and what car he drives? I’m just spit balling here, but it sounds pretty goddamn reasonable, now doesn’t it? (btw. ladies, I benchpress a fuckin lot and drive a Jeep but ... whatever yknow)
But we all know what’s gonna happen. You’ll cry and moan and ask yourself why men are assholes, and then you’ll go to a bar and instead of having a drink with the nice waiter when he gets off work, you’ll jump right on top of the dick of the attending jock – and you know what – that’s cool, that’s so cool with me. But bitch please, please spare us the drama and the tears and the ‘I wonder what I’m doing wrong’. YOU KNOW what you’re doing wrong, I KNOW what you’re doing wrong, even the dipshit quarterback knows what you’re doing wrong.
So here’s what’s gonna happen eventually … and I know this, cause I’m the next damn level in male evolution:
At some point, men just won’t be interested in you bimbos anymore. Are you scared Amber sweetie? You should be. Cause although women THINK they are way more about inner beauty, in reality, men are (once again) gonna be the ones that pick up the ball and run with it instead of just talking about shit.
Yea. It’ll happen whores. One day, in the near future, men will pick their partners only based on character. Sure, looks are always gonna be important, and I sure as hell wont date people like this, but overall, the male race (yes, I said race) is gonna set the standards and moral highgrounds - yet again.
The End
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Rats of the Sky
What’s the difference between pigeons and doves? Is there really one? For me, pigeon sounds like the GREY-ISH trash can licking, feces eating things that crowd otherwise beautiful places around the world. Doves on the other hand are the WHITE, trash can licking, feces eating things that crowd otherwise beautiful top hats of magicians.
One way or the other, I can't stand those animals. Not that I particularly like any animal, in fact, I don't ... except for dolphins maybe, at least they look clean and they can headbutt sharks.
Let me talk about those 'rats of the sky' a little more - Seriously, does anyone need them? Aren't they basically natural selections answer to Popsicle sticks minus an actual purpose? Cause they just don't have no goddamn purpose. Neither do rats btw. All they do is spread disease and ruin monuments.
Merely seeing those wing rats makes me wanna kick them right in front of the auto bus and then when you DARE to fuckin eat a pretzel they AAAAAALL come flying in begging for some crumbs giving you that stupid retarded 'can I have some' tilted head look. If I wasn't such a peaceful individual I would've fed them enriched uranium covered in bagel dough already. Sometimes you don't even wanna feed them but a crumb just happens to fall on the street and within seconds you've got a fuckin avian ambush on your hands, the sky darkens, birds stop singing and a city supply like shitload of motherfucking pigeons circles over your head eying the piece of lettuce that already started to decompose.
And even when you try and ignore them (works with dogs for me btw.) and you just walk by em not even giving em a courtesy nod, they still flinch like a fuckin nuclear bomb just went off. Speaking of nuclear bombs ... I know they say only cockroaches would survive a nuclear holocaust, but I’m pretty goddamn sure pigeons and rats would survive too and are then being auto promoted to new primal species. I can see the news in front of me: New ruler species - Doverats.
I'm gonna do everything in my power to stop that worst case scenario from happening and as long as there's one inch (or ounce) of life left in me, by GOD I'll fight them and try to blow em off the face of the earth with the fury of gods own thunder.
Got a little carried away there for a second...
Anyways, it’s not that I just complain, I actually have solutions (I would’ve said final solution, but being German and all I’m a little hesitant with that kind of talk) here's my suggestion ... and that shit’s gonna spread like an effin wildfire if I'm not completely psycho: Remember when old people say things like: 'Today’s youth does nothing but bum around'? I mean we've all heard it and to tell you the truth, this guy right here is with the dental prostheses brigade on that one - not a big fan of today’s youth either, anyways, the grannies just aren't completely wrong, let's settle on that.
Now what if ... and stay with me here ... what if we give all those bums an incentive to do smth. for the community at large? And that’s were it takes a genius like me to make the connection -
I say: free BB guns!
Why doesn’t every federal government, state senate or municipality or whateeeeeeever entity is responsible when the law eventually passes hand out free BB guns to young kids and pay em like ... 10 Cents for every dead pigeon?
Pretty goddamn impressive idea right?
Fughettabout ‘Counter Strike’ – ‘Pigeon Hunt’ could have internet rankings and like award bonus points for headshots and deduct points for shooting one legged ones (C'mon, we've all seen em).
This will
A: keep kids from shooting up crack and chain swallowing heroin balloons
B: keep our streets clean from pigeons and once we amend the bill, rats, and
C: give all countries, all races and religions of the world one common goal and purpose ... finally, we all could come together and … like … dance.
I know it’s a far fetch and I’m not sure the world is ready for it just yet ... but can we afford not to try?
Can we?
I say nay …
One way or the other, I can't stand those animals. Not that I particularly like any animal, in fact, I don't ... except for dolphins maybe, at least they look clean and they can headbutt sharks.
Let me talk about those 'rats of the sky' a little more - Seriously, does anyone need them? Aren't they basically natural selections answer to Popsicle sticks minus an actual purpose? Cause they just don't have no goddamn purpose. Neither do rats btw. All they do is spread disease and ruin monuments.
Merely seeing those wing rats makes me wanna kick them right in front of the auto bus and then when you DARE to fuckin eat a pretzel they AAAAAALL come flying in begging for some crumbs giving you that stupid retarded 'can I have some' tilted head look. If I wasn't such a peaceful individual I would've fed them enriched uranium covered in bagel dough already. Sometimes you don't even wanna feed them but a crumb just happens to fall on the street and within seconds you've got a fuckin avian ambush on your hands, the sky darkens, birds stop singing and a city supply like shitload of motherfucking pigeons circles over your head eying the piece of lettuce that already started to decompose.
And even when you try and ignore them (works with dogs for me btw.) and you just walk by em not even giving em a courtesy nod, they still flinch like a fuckin nuclear bomb just went off. Speaking of nuclear bombs ... I know they say only cockroaches would survive a nuclear holocaust, but I’m pretty goddamn sure pigeons and rats would survive too and are then being auto promoted to new primal species. I can see the news in front of me: New ruler species - Doverats.
I'm gonna do everything in my power to stop that worst case scenario from happening and as long as there's one inch (or ounce) of life left in me, by GOD I'll fight them and try to blow em off the face of the earth with the fury of gods own thunder.
Got a little carried away there for a second...
Anyways, it’s not that I just complain, I actually have solutions (I would’ve said final solution, but being German and all I’m a little hesitant with that kind of talk) here's my suggestion ... and that shit’s gonna spread like an effin wildfire if I'm not completely psycho: Remember when old people say things like: 'Today’s youth does nothing but bum around'? I mean we've all heard it and to tell you the truth, this guy right here is with the dental prostheses brigade on that one - not a big fan of today’s youth either, anyways, the grannies just aren't completely wrong, let's settle on that.
Now what if ... and stay with me here ... what if we give all those bums an incentive to do smth. for the community at large? And that’s were it takes a genius like me to make the connection -
I say: free BB guns!
Why doesn’t every federal government, state senate or municipality or whateeeeeeever entity is responsible when the law eventually passes hand out free BB guns to young kids and pay em like ... 10 Cents for every dead pigeon?
Pretty goddamn impressive idea right?
Fughettabout ‘Counter Strike’ – ‘Pigeon Hunt’ could have internet rankings and like award bonus points for headshots and deduct points for shooting one legged ones (C'mon, we've all seen em).
This will
A: keep kids from shooting up crack and chain swallowing heroin balloons
B: keep our streets clean from pigeons and once we amend the bill, rats, and
C: give all countries, all races and religions of the world one common goal and purpose ... finally, we all could come together and … like … dance.
I know it’s a far fetch and I’m not sure the world is ready for it just yet ... but can we afford not to try?
Can we?
I say nay …
Monday, November 5, 2007
Quick Word on a Word
Every language has certain terms that can have several meanings to them. Within a universe full of other things that we've learned on South Park too - Take the term "aids" for example. It's a vicious disease as well as plural for aid. Then there are other terms that just happen to have different meanings. There are too many to list em, but you know they are out there, lurking to draw blowhards out of the woodwork to go all Oprah on you.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I think its weird dating within your own sex, but hell, do what you want, just give me some space and let me think its disgusting. Altho of course I don't mind seeing two hot lesbians making out, why would I? The one thing that grosses me out while having sex is, that I, a male, am in it. So in a perfect world I could have sex as a man, with only women involved. But thats a task I hope our kids and grand kids will figure out.
Today, students, I wanna talk about the term 'gay' and its several meanings that I myself created in order to broaden my already impecable, colorful and somehwat sexy articulation skills.
1.)
gay, (gey) adj. gay·er, gay·est
- Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.
(case #1) male - to be a top or a bottom ~
(case #2) female - to feature the crew cut hair in relationship or to be the attractiv one, hot lesbo ~)
- Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry.
- Bright or lively, especially in color: a ~, sunny room.
- Given to social pleasures.
- Dissolute; licentious.
- anything related to figure and/or ice skating
Thats the 'classic' definiton. and speaking of classy (me) this definiton can't possibly capture all the potential the term has to offer. So here is a definition you won't find in a dictionary - but that's not my problem, nor do I care.
2.)
gay, (gey) adj. gay-er, gay-est (yes, I use the same conjugation, why change a working system right?)
- being annoying, to the extend of, and mostly, pure primal hatred against a certain way of behavior or look.
- 'This is a ~ sweater'; 'You booked movie tickets over the phone? Man, that's ~ '; 'Stop crying bitch, what are you? ~ ?'
- ~ male hair-do, refering to having long hair but no boobs (man boobs don't apply)
all of this, not to be, but often times is, confused with:
Gary, (geri) male name, ex-spice girl
- (i.E.) Gary is the gayest name on earth.
I'm just abusing the term a little bit, no I think I'm evolving the term, and who's gonna stop me? A bunch of fags?
I'm not gonna lie to you, I think its weird dating within your own sex, but hell, do what you want, just give me some space and let me think its disgusting. Altho of course I don't mind seeing two hot lesbians making out, why would I? The one thing that grosses me out while having sex is, that I, a male, am in it. So in a perfect world I could have sex as a man, with only women involved. But thats a task I hope our kids and grand kids will figure out.
Today, students, I wanna talk about the term 'gay' and its several meanings that I myself created in order to broaden my already impecable, colorful and somehwat sexy articulation skills.
1.)
gay, (gey) adj. gay·er, gay·est
- Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.
(case #1) male - to be a top or a bottom ~
(case #2) female - to feature the crew cut hair in relationship or to be the attractiv one, hot lesbo ~)
- Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry.
- Bright or lively, especially in color: a ~, sunny room.
- Given to social pleasures.
- Dissolute; licentious.
- anything related to figure and/or ice skating
Thats the 'classic' definiton. and speaking of classy (me) this definiton can't possibly capture all the potential the term has to offer. So here is a definition you won't find in a dictionary - but that's not my problem, nor do I care.
2.)
gay, (gey) adj. gay-er, gay-est (yes, I use the same conjugation, why change a working system right?)
- being annoying, to the extend of, and mostly, pure primal hatred against a certain way of behavior or look.
- 'This is a ~ sweater'; 'You booked movie tickets over the phone? Man, that's ~ '; 'Stop crying bitch, what are you? ~ ?'
- ~ male hair-do, refering to having long hair but no boobs (man boobs don't apply)
all of this, not to be, but often times is, confused with:
Gary, (geri) male name, ex-spice girl
- (i.E.) Gary is the gayest name on earth.
I'm just abusing the term a little bit, no I think I'm evolving the term, and who's gonna stop me? A bunch of fags?
Sunday, November 4, 2007
I hate you
And I know, hate is a strong word, so I'm gonna take that back and say: I get fuckin annoyed with you and back in 1934 when Alexander Graham Bell first invented the internet, he probably had no idea what legion of assholes he was about to unleash. Now, might some of you say I'm an asshole, too? Sure. Does that bother me? No. Why? because people who think I'm an asshole, are the ones I'm dedicating this post to.
You gotta understand one thing guys - the internet has no rules. There's no such thing as netiquette - it's a friggin gay word anyway. When you are on the internet, on a forum or message board, in a chatroom or a community there's one person making the rules, and that's fucking me. The reason? Cause I can. I can do what I want, the way I want how often I want when I want. So next time I'm on one of your nerd message boards asking for help on lets say, how to get rid of a virus, don't fuckin answer with 'Use the search function' or 'why havent you been more careful?' or 'we already discussed this' - just answer my goddamn question or shut da fuck up. I'm more interested in watching a baby spider sleep for 13 hrs than I'm interested in whether or not you fuckin freakshows discussed that topic 300 years ago. So don't bother answering or move on without giving me lectures. Just becuase you have time to roam message boards for information 20 hrs a day, doesn't mean everyone does. So if you're so fuckin smart, just fuckin answer my question. Why would I even consider using the search function when asking in a new topic is WAY more easier for me? For the love of god, take the gamecontroller out of your ass and go adjust your 3 inch thick glasses with your index finger, cause I just want the fuckin information I came on this fuckin message board for in the first place. I will never come back here again, I wont have 49732 posts and advance to superuser or whatever rankings your shithole of forum awards. There are bigger and more important things in life ... like peanut butter or steroids.
Also, don't you give me an attitude cause my question is to easy for you. You walkin piece of fuckin flanel shirt wouldn't even dare to talk back to me in real life cause you'd be too busy praying I don't rip off your arms and staple em to your fuckin forehead after you sold me overpriced memory sticks.
You gotta understand one thing guys - the internet has no rules. There's no such thing as netiquette - it's a friggin gay word anyway. When you are on the internet, on a forum or message board, in a chatroom or a community there's one person making the rules, and that's fucking me. The reason? Cause I can. I can do what I want, the way I want how often I want when I want. So next time I'm on one of your nerd message boards asking for help on lets say, how to get rid of a virus, don't fuckin answer with 'Use the search function' or 'why havent you been more careful?' or 'we already discussed this' - just answer my goddamn question or shut da fuck up. I'm more interested in watching a baby spider sleep for 13 hrs than I'm interested in whether or not you fuckin freakshows discussed that topic 300 years ago. So don't bother answering or move on without giving me lectures. Just becuase you have time to roam message boards for information 20 hrs a day, doesn't mean everyone does. So if you're so fuckin smart, just fuckin answer my question. Why would I even consider using the search function when asking in a new topic is WAY more easier for me? For the love of god, take the gamecontroller out of your ass and go adjust your 3 inch thick glasses with your index finger, cause I just want the fuckin information I came on this fuckin message board for in the first place. I will never come back here again, I wont have 49732 posts and advance to superuser or whatever rankings your shithole of forum awards. There are bigger and more important things in life ... like peanut butter or steroids.
Also, don't you give me an attitude cause my question is to easy for you. You walkin piece of fuckin flanel shirt wouldn't even dare to talk back to me in real life cause you'd be too busy praying I don't rip off your arms and staple em to your fuckin forehead after you sold me overpriced memory sticks.
Do you know my favorite operating system? It's fuckin WINDOWS XP - not Linux, Maclux, or watever da fuck other luxes are out there, it's Win to the dows XP. Again - I don't want to have to major in computer science before I'm able to watch porn on my laptop, so I use the friggin best OS out there - WINDOWS XP. For future reference, spare me the funny 'micro$oft' spellings and all those other major inside jokes you got goin that are all supposed to document how friggin smart and educated you are. I don't care, I just want my porn and my emails, can't your macintosh infested brain accept that? It better cause I'm about to come to your house, I mean, your moms house, go to the basement and drag you out into the fuckin sunlight for 2 minutes so your mom can treat your sun burn with baby powder later when you're watching Family Guy reruns.
Windows is a great invention and Dos is for gay people. The Internet Explorer is way better than fuckin Firefox or any other useless tool invented and used by people jealous that one of their own actually gets a girl every third or forth Microsoft Board Meeting afterparty.
By the way and I'm explicitly excluding girls doin it from my attack cause it might prevent me from having sex with them in the future ... whats with the fuckin ^^ and ~ and ^^^ or using zeros insted of os and fuckin threes instead of es. Why da fuck do you think god gave us letters and numbers? Why? So you fuckin mix em thinking thats the nerd way of being cool and accepted? In reality you just dig yourself deeper into a hole at whichs bottom is nothing, especially no vaginas.
Let me ask you something nerd patrol. You think it's really that funny to program trojan horses and viruses and then say it's just to prove a point of how volunerable software can be? Buddy, here's a crazy thought, and please, discuss this when playing warcraft with your friends next time, ... if something is fair game just because its not secure, how about next time I see one of you guys at Wal-Mart buying 200 galons of pepsi for your weekend LAN party, how about I just step in front of you, grab the nearest philips head screwdriver and put it through one of your goddamn 10 inch wide shoulders? I mean, after all, there clearly was a security whole in your clothing? Shouldn't you (or you mom) have considered that when you (or she) layed out your clothes that morning? I guess she should have, cause now your bleeding, and Ramon from maintenance is laughing.
And the last thing I wanna say is this ... I love colorful websites, with a lot of pictures and no compression AT ALL, no CSS and any website without at least 4 frames and inline frames sucks ass. I know YOU think websites are only really good when they look like crap, programmed by a nerd freakshow in his attic with the windows editor only. You know what, fuck you, I use Frontpage and its fuckin awesome and I'm atually making money from it instead of just getting street cred (or in that case, basement cred) from some made up torrent release goup that looks for 10mbit seeders.
While we're at the topic of file sharing ... you know what I love to do? Download smth and then not upload at all. Yea, I've been doin it for years now and nobody can stop me cause every time you delete my fuckin account or ban me, I'll just open a new one - the magic of not having a static IP you toe nail eating bitch. I hate to seed, you know why? Cause it's for gay people and for losers. I use the internet for ME not for other people, I'm not running a charity over here and I'm not planing on doin it in the future. I get on the internet, take what I want and leave, without fuckin SHARING or SUPPORTING anyfuckinbody. This brings me back to my initial thought ... why am I doing it? Because I fuckin can, and you can't do shit about it.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Keep it
If you are on eBay, you'll know what I'm talking about, if you aren't, just enjoy the swearing. Cause I'm gonna swear ... a fucking lot.
Speaking of 'a lot' (yea that's right, it's called transition - BAM!) I shop at eBay a lot, in fact I'd say 80 percent of what I fuckin own has been bought on eBay and I probably paid half of what I would've paid in stores. New stuff too, it's not like I bought pre-owned shit.
There are some habits of ebay users tho, that really make me wanna punch them in their goddamn faces with a two-slot toaster (cause you can grab em real fuckin tight).
First of all, don't put a 'gay' ANYWHERE in your item description for no reason, just because you think that gay people only search eBay for the term 'gay'. No, if they want grey sweatpants, they're gonna search for 'grey' and effin 'sweatpants'. Sounds crazy but whatcha gonna do. So save the GAY in 'Nice new pair of biker boots GAY' ... how many gay bikers do you know anyway (except for the one that might have been part of the Village People)? Thats right, 5 to none in all of earths population. If anything bikers are chick magnets cause, well, they have bikes and fucking BIKER BOOTS.
Same goes for headphones: WTF are "Headphones, InEar - GAY"? The only time headphones are gay is when they're leather slacks in which case you don't call em headphones you call em leather fuckin slacks. So please stop describing your item featuring GAY in the item desciption - it's annoying and it keeps people like me, with slightly homophobic tendencies from buying your shit.
Then there's the whole being nice thing in item descriptions ... here's the deal: I'm either interested in your shit, or I'm not. Interest ain't gonna magically a-fuckin-ppear cause you are telling me 'how much you appreciate' me looking at your item or you crawling up my ass by highlighting the word ANY in 'if you have ANY questions, don't hesitate to email me' and of course the part where you communicate to the whole goddamn world how much you loved the thing and how hard it is for you to sell it - do me a little favor: STFU ... if you like it, fuckin keep it, dont bother offering it, I dont fuckin want it then. You think Im gonna bid more cause you still like it? Pitty bids? Do not think so assfuck.
Also, PLEASE dont tell me how much YOU paid for it back when you bought it and don't tell me WHY you're selling it - believe me, I could not care less. I just want to get your shit as cheap as possible, as fast as possible.
Couple of other Dont's:
- Don't put an item up for sale on eBay and then go on a fuckin safari. Sell your shit when you're at home and able to send it to me once I bought it. If you can't handle that, don't put it up for sale or don't go to fuckin Africa for the goddamn safari, who does that anymore anyway??? It's cruel and what not ... although, I might confuse it with zoo, I'm not sure.
- Don't tell me which occasions clothes are for - I can figure it out myself most of the time. The white suit and baseball hat, prolly not my number one pick at a funeral and yes, I can see that the shirt is black, plus by now I've heard too that black can be worn with anything.
And while we're at it:
- Don't give me the 'precious black' or 'premium white' wannabe sales executive bullshit ... it's black and white, they're not even real colors so don't sell em to me like you just went on that safari and found a new, undiscovered shade in the jungle. It's plain fuckin black.
- Don't tell me that you only used it or have only worn it 2 or 3 times or that it's 'kinda like new' cause ... it's KINDA NOT. I dont believe you. Sure, one out of 10000 times it's true, but the rest of the time you're just trying to make me believe you haven't really done anything with this thing and you know what, EVERYONE else on eBay does the same thing, EVERYONE is hip to that fuckin trick, for god's sake save yourself some keyboard wear and tear so you can tell me "only used two or three times in the last 10 years" when you sell your piece of crapshit computer.
- Dont tell me how great an item is, what features it has and how good it looks when the last sentence of the description reads something like:' ... only downside, it doesn't work anymore'. Ok ... let me get this straight, you just made me read about 50 lines of text describing the DVD Recorder (which I'm pretty sure I didn't need in the first place) like you're a fuckin medieval story teller at fuckin King Arthur's court and your last line is 'just won't read or write dvds anymore'? ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?
Now I'm ready to trade in my two slot toaster for a fuckin sledgehammer. Seriously.
- Don't start bidding at $120 and make BUY NOW available for $120,50. You retarded? What's the whole point? Do you get the concept of AUCTIONS? At all-ish?
- Don't charge 35 dollars for shipping ankle socks from Brooklyn to Queens when you easily could fucking toss em over. If it's too much of an effort for you to ship shit, don't sell it and don't call it handling fee either. It's picking up, putting in a box, closing the box and sending the box away. You think you're the first person to send shit out? You think I ENJOY that part? Cause I don't. Handling fees are for when you buy a computer and DELL has to put it together first after they sold you a quad core you'll never use but thought it sounded cool. What you do when shipping eBay items is called PARCELING, not hand, not ling, PARCELING.
Speaking of 'a lot' (yea that's right, it's called transition - BAM!) I shop at eBay a lot, in fact I'd say 80 percent of what I fuckin own has been bought on eBay and I probably paid half of what I would've paid in stores. New stuff too, it's not like I bought pre-owned shit.
There are some habits of ebay users tho, that really make me wanna punch them in their goddamn faces with a two-slot toaster (cause you can grab em real fuckin tight).
First of all, don't put a 'gay' ANYWHERE in your item description for no reason, just because you think that gay people only search eBay for the term 'gay'. No, if they want grey sweatpants, they're gonna search for 'grey' and effin 'sweatpants'. Sounds crazy but whatcha gonna do. So save the GAY in 'Nice new pair of biker boots GAY' ... how many gay bikers do you know anyway (except for the one that might have been part of the Village People)? Thats right, 5 to none in all of earths population. If anything bikers are chick magnets cause, well, they have bikes and fucking BIKER BOOTS.
Same goes for headphones: WTF are "Headphones, InEar - GAY"? The only time headphones are gay is when they're leather slacks in which case you don't call em headphones you call em leather fuckin slacks. So please stop describing your item featuring GAY in the item desciption - it's annoying and it keeps people like me, with slightly homophobic tendencies from buying your shit.
Then there's the whole being nice thing in item descriptions ... here's the deal: I'm either interested in your shit, or I'm not. Interest ain't gonna magically a-fuckin-ppear cause you are telling me 'how much you appreciate' me looking at your item or you crawling up my ass by highlighting the word ANY in 'if you have ANY questions, don't hesitate to email me' and of course the part where you communicate to the whole goddamn world how much you loved the thing and how hard it is for you to sell it - do me a little favor: STFU ... if you like it, fuckin keep it, dont bother offering it, I dont fuckin want it then. You think Im gonna bid more cause you still like it? Pitty bids? Do not think so assfuck.
Also, PLEASE dont tell me how much YOU paid for it back when you bought it and don't tell me WHY you're selling it - believe me, I could not care less. I just want to get your shit as cheap as possible, as fast as possible.
Couple of other Dont's:
- Don't put an item up for sale on eBay and then go on a fuckin safari. Sell your shit when you're at home and able to send it to me once I bought it. If you can't handle that, don't put it up for sale or don't go to fuckin Africa for the goddamn safari, who does that anymore anyway??? It's cruel and what not ... although, I might confuse it with zoo, I'm not sure.
- Don't tell me which occasions clothes are for - I can figure it out myself most of the time. The white suit and baseball hat, prolly not my number one pick at a funeral and yes, I can see that the shirt is black, plus by now I've heard too that black can be worn with anything.
And while we're at it:
- Don't give me the 'precious black' or 'premium white' wannabe sales executive bullshit ... it's black and white, they're not even real colors so don't sell em to me like you just went on that safari and found a new, undiscovered shade in the jungle. It's plain fuckin black.
- Don't tell me that you only used it or have only worn it 2 or 3 times or that it's 'kinda like new' cause ... it's KINDA NOT. I dont believe you. Sure, one out of 10000 times it's true, but the rest of the time you're just trying to make me believe you haven't really done anything with this thing and you know what, EVERYONE else on eBay does the same thing, EVERYONE is hip to that fuckin trick, for god's sake save yourself some keyboard wear and tear so you can tell me "only used two or three times in the last 10 years" when you sell your piece of crapshit computer.
- Dont tell me how great an item is, what features it has and how good it looks when the last sentence of the description reads something like:' ... only downside, it doesn't work anymore'. Ok ... let me get this straight, you just made me read about 50 lines of text describing the DVD Recorder (which I'm pretty sure I didn't need in the first place) like you're a fuckin medieval story teller at fuckin King Arthur's court and your last line is 'just won't read or write dvds anymore'? ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?
Now I'm ready to trade in my two slot toaster for a fuckin sledgehammer. Seriously.
- Don't start bidding at $120 and make BUY NOW available for $120,50. You retarded? What's the whole point? Do you get the concept of AUCTIONS? At all-ish?
- Don't charge 35 dollars for shipping ankle socks from Brooklyn to Queens when you easily could fucking toss em over. If it's too much of an effort for you to ship shit, don't sell it and don't call it handling fee either. It's picking up, putting in a box, closing the box and sending the box away. You think you're the first person to send shit out? You think I ENJOY that part? Cause I don't. Handling fees are for when you buy a computer and DELL has to put it together first after they sold you a quad core you'll never use but thought it sounded cool. What you do when shipping eBay items is called PARCELING, not hand, not ling, PARCELING.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Random Rants Vol. 1
Here are a COUPLE OF things that really annoy the shit out of me.
- Having an 1800s phone cell ring tone ... it's not cute, it has no charme it's just annoying and you are too
- Doorbells that sound like telephones (WTF?)
- The 'Do not eat' warning on silica gel packs: if you ate it in the first place, you either can't read anyway or you just deserve to choke on it, it's called natural selection
- Xena
- People giving you input on what to do when you tell em you're bored
Friday, October 19, 2007
Lose the tude midget!
I'm the last person to judge and categorize people just by the way god made them look. In fact, even the commonly used 1 to 10 rating system for a persons look is working for me just fine and I don't care if I'm with a 1 or a 10 - those shallow things don't count.
BUT then there are people that don't even make it into that rating system, not because they're too pretty, that doesn't happen, no, I'm talking people that god clearly played a prank on, maybe punished them for being Hitler or that guy that played the Penguin on the 60s Batman series in their past lifes. You instantly notice those people when you see em. They don't appaear in packs cause there aren't too many of em out there and sometimes you just accidently look at them or you have to look at them for job reasons or whatever.
And even in this case I say: let em live, just let em live, it's prolly nothing they could've done about it, so just treat em with respect and like you didn't notice the obvious.
The story could end right here, with a happy end for us and them but no ... amongst those there are people that have a huuuuuuuge attitude goin alongside their uglyness and that my friends, I cannot tolerate. When someone gives you lemons, in this case, really bad lemons, you've gotta at least try and make lemonade but when you don't and on top of that you cop an attitude like you're a fuckin Perfect 10, all bets are off. There's a reason people say 'you act like a Perfect 10' - it's because when you are a Perfect 10, you CAN act like a Perfect 10, cause you're a fuckin Perfect 10 and everyone is gonna be fuckin nice to you cause they live in a dream world where 'being nice' + 'to someone who is hot' equals 'sex'. Simple as that.
Ugly people, you just can't afford that, tough noogies, but that's how it is.
On a somewhat different level (literally and figuratively) the same goes for midgets or differently heighted persons or whatever da fuck you have to call em these days - You can't act up with a guy that's 6'4 and over 300 pounds. He's just gonna put you on a hanger and close the goddamn wardrobe.
Now, you might see all of this completely different and have the opinion that god just sometimes is in a hurry wraping his gifts, like we all are from time to time, and that's cool with me, I won't take that opinion away from you, still ... when you look at someone and can't convince yourself after weeks that the person is at least somewhat adorable, not even in a National Geographic kinda way, stop trying ... you're not a bad person.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I Dream Of Jenna
Just to let you know upfront - I’m disgusted with myself.
So I‘ve had this all-night dream yesterday, featuring myself and Jenna Jameson! Yeah, I know what ya’ll think and that’s where things go terribly wrong - In that dream I was, get this, FRIENDS with Jenna. Yeah, no need to read it again, capital F capital RIENDS, best friends to be exact.
We were pretty tight I gotta say …
But WHAT da fuck is wrong with me? I mean it’s bad enough to dream about being fiends with a woman, but friends with Jenna?! Why? What purpose does it serve to be friends with her? EXACTLY O point NONE. And not only was I just friends with her, we did the dishes (?!?!) together, then watched TV with her boyfriend Tito Ortiz - ya, he was in my friggin head too and that’s where the buck stops:
It’s borderline gay dreaming of being best goddamn friends with a pornstar, but I really crossed a very, very awkwared and disturbing line when my fruitcake upped brain brings in Tito as well. It’s just not right man … Don’t I deserve to have normal-ass dreams? You know, the pure, decent, solid nine to five guy-dream stuff like raping a japanese minor on the subway?
But what can I do now, after the fact? When I woke up my first impulse was to call the catholic church to ask for a de-gay-specialist. But they probably would’ve just told me to call again when the girls I’m just friends with in my dreams are little boys. So there goes that lifeline.
I’m now planing on consulting a crack team of ‘dreamologists’ if thats a word, and hope they can shed light on my sorry soul and explain to me what made me talk about pros and cons of using washing cloth with an, I assume, slipless Jenna sitting next to me on the sofa.
The only thing left for me to do now, is try and be really, really not gay as much as I can.
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