If you are on eBay, you'll know what I'm talking about, if you aren't, just enjoy the swearing. Cause I'm gonna swear ... a fucking lot.
Speaking of 'a lot' (yea that's right, it's called transition - BAM!) I shop at eBay a lot, in fact I'd say 80 percent of what I fuckin own has been bought on eBay and I probably paid half of what I would've paid in stores. New stuff too, it's not like I bought pre-owned shit.
There are some habits of ebay users tho, that really make me wanna punch them in their goddamn faces with a two-slot toaster (cause you can grab em real fuckin tight).
First of all, don't put a 'gay' ANYWHERE in your item description for no reason, just because you think that gay people only search eBay for the term 'gay'. No, if they want grey sweatpants, they're gonna search for 'grey' and effin 'sweatpants'. Sounds crazy but whatcha gonna do. So save the GAY in 'Nice new pair of biker boots GAY' ... how many gay bikers do you know anyway (except for the one that might have been part of the Village People)? Thats right, 5 to none in all of earths population. If anything bikers are chick magnets cause, well, they have bikes and fucking BIKER BOOTS.
Same goes for headphones: WTF are "Headphones, InEar - GAY"? The only time headphones are gay is when they're leather slacks in which case you don't call em headphones you call em leather fuckin slacks. So please stop describing your item featuring GAY in the item desciption - it's annoying and it keeps people like me, with slightly homophobic tendencies from buying your shit.
Then there's the whole being nice thing in item descriptions ... here's the deal: I'm either interested in your shit, or I'm not. Interest ain't gonna magically a-fuckin-ppear cause you are telling me 'how much you appreciate' me looking at your item or you crawling up my ass by highlighting the word ANY in 'if you have ANY questions, don't hesitate to email me' and of course the part where you communicate to the whole goddamn world how much you loved the thing and how hard it is for you to sell it - do me a little favor: STFU ... if you like it, fuckin keep it, dont bother offering it, I dont fuckin want it then. You think Im gonna bid more cause you still like it? Pitty bids? Do not think so assfuck.
Also, PLEASE dont tell me how much YOU paid for it back when you bought it and don't tell me WHY you're selling it - believe me, I could not care less. I just want to get your shit as cheap as possible, as fast as possible.
Couple of other Dont's:
- Don't put an item up for sale on eBay and then go on a fuckin safari. Sell your shit when you're at home and able to send it to me once I bought it. If you can't handle that, don't put it up for sale or don't go to fuckin Africa for the goddamn safari, who does that anymore anyway??? It's cruel and what not ... although, I might confuse it with zoo, I'm not sure.
- Don't tell me which occasions clothes are for - I can figure it out myself most of the time. The white suit and baseball hat, prolly not my number one pick at a funeral and yes, I can see that the shirt is black, plus by now I've heard too that black can be worn with anything.
And while we're at it:
- Don't give me the 'precious black' or 'premium white' wannabe sales executive bullshit ... it's black and white, they're not even real colors so don't sell em to me like you just went on that safari and found a new, undiscovered shade in the jungle. It's plain fuckin black.
- Don't tell me that you only used it or have only worn it 2 or 3 times or that it's 'kinda like new' cause ... it's KINDA NOT. I dont believe you. Sure, one out of 10000 times it's true, but the rest of the time you're just trying to make me believe you haven't really done anything with this thing and you know what, EVERYONE else on eBay does the same thing, EVERYONE is hip to that fuckin trick, for god's sake save yourself some keyboard wear and tear so you can tell me "only used two or three times in the last 10 years" when you sell your piece of crapshit computer.
- Dont tell me how great an item is, what features it has and how good it looks when the last sentence of the description reads something like:' ... only downside, it doesn't work anymore'. Ok ... let me get this straight, you just made me read about 50 lines of text describing the DVD Recorder (which I'm pretty sure I didn't need in the first place) like you're a fuckin medieval story teller at fuckin King Arthur's court and your last line is 'just won't read or write dvds anymore'? ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?
Now I'm ready to trade in my two slot toaster for a fuckin sledgehammer. Seriously.
- Don't start bidding at $120 and make BUY NOW available for $120,50. You retarded? What's the whole point? Do you get the concept of AUCTIONS? At all-ish?
- Don't charge 35 dollars for shipping ankle socks from Brooklyn to Queens when you easily could fucking toss em over. If it's too much of an effort for you to ship shit, don't sell it and don't call it handling fee either. It's picking up, putting in a box, closing the box and sending the box away. You think you're the first person to send shit out? You think I ENJOY that part? Cause I don't. Handling fees are for when you buy a computer and DELL has to put it together first after they sold you a quad core you'll never use but thought it sounded cool. What you do when shipping eBay items is called PARCELING, not hand, not ling, PARCELING.
Speaking of 'a lot' (yea that's right, it's called transition - BAM!) I shop at eBay a lot, in fact I'd say 80 percent of what I fuckin own has been bought on eBay and I probably paid half of what I would've paid in stores. New stuff too, it's not like I bought pre-owned shit.
There are some habits of ebay users tho, that really make me wanna punch them in their goddamn faces with a two-slot toaster (cause you can grab em real fuckin tight).
First of all, don't put a 'gay' ANYWHERE in your item description for no reason, just because you think that gay people only search eBay for the term 'gay'. No, if they want grey sweatpants, they're gonna search for 'grey' and effin 'sweatpants'. Sounds crazy but whatcha gonna do. So save the GAY in 'Nice new pair of biker boots GAY' ... how many gay bikers do you know anyway (except for the one that might have been part of the Village People)? Thats right, 5 to none in all of earths population. If anything bikers are chick magnets cause, well, they have bikes and fucking BIKER BOOTS.
Same goes for headphones: WTF are "Headphones, InEar - GAY"? The only time headphones are gay is when they're leather slacks in which case you don't call em headphones you call em leather fuckin slacks. So please stop describing your item featuring GAY in the item desciption - it's annoying and it keeps people like me, with slightly homophobic tendencies from buying your shit.
Then there's the whole being nice thing in item descriptions ... here's the deal: I'm either interested in your shit, or I'm not. Interest ain't gonna magically a-fuckin-ppear cause you are telling me 'how much you appreciate' me looking at your item or you crawling up my ass by highlighting the word ANY in 'if you have ANY questions, don't hesitate to email me' and of course the part where you communicate to the whole goddamn world how much you loved the thing and how hard it is for you to sell it - do me a little favor: STFU ... if you like it, fuckin keep it, dont bother offering it, I dont fuckin want it then. You think Im gonna bid more cause you still like it? Pitty bids? Do not think so assfuck.
Also, PLEASE dont tell me how much YOU paid for it back when you bought it and don't tell me WHY you're selling it - believe me, I could not care less. I just want to get your shit as cheap as possible, as fast as possible.
Couple of other Dont's:
- Don't put an item up for sale on eBay and then go on a fuckin safari. Sell your shit when you're at home and able to send it to me once I bought it. If you can't handle that, don't put it up for sale or don't go to fuckin Africa for the goddamn safari, who does that anymore anyway??? It's cruel and what not ... although, I might confuse it with zoo, I'm not sure.
- Don't tell me which occasions clothes are for - I can figure it out myself most of the time. The white suit and baseball hat, prolly not my number one pick at a funeral and yes, I can see that the shirt is black, plus by now I've heard too that black can be worn with anything.
And while we're at it:
- Don't give me the 'precious black' or 'premium white' wannabe sales executive bullshit ... it's black and white, they're not even real colors so don't sell em to me like you just went on that safari and found a new, undiscovered shade in the jungle. It's plain fuckin black.
- Don't tell me that you only used it or have only worn it 2 or 3 times or that it's 'kinda like new' cause ... it's KINDA NOT. I dont believe you. Sure, one out of 10000 times it's true, but the rest of the time you're just trying to make me believe you haven't really done anything with this thing and you know what, EVERYONE else on eBay does the same thing, EVERYONE is hip to that fuckin trick, for god's sake save yourself some keyboard wear and tear so you can tell me "only used two or three times in the last 10 years" when you sell your piece of crapshit computer.
- Dont tell me how great an item is, what features it has and how good it looks when the last sentence of the description reads something like:' ... only downside, it doesn't work anymore'. Ok ... let me get this straight, you just made me read about 50 lines of text describing the DVD Recorder (which I'm pretty sure I didn't need in the first place) like you're a fuckin medieval story teller at fuckin King Arthur's court and your last line is 'just won't read or write dvds anymore'? ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?
Now I'm ready to trade in my two slot toaster for a fuckin sledgehammer. Seriously.
- Don't start bidding at $120 and make BUY NOW available for $120,50. You retarded? What's the whole point? Do you get the concept of AUCTIONS? At all-ish?
- Don't charge 35 dollars for shipping ankle socks from Brooklyn to Queens when you easily could fucking toss em over. If it's too much of an effort for you to ship shit, don't sell it and don't call it handling fee either. It's picking up, putting in a box, closing the box and sending the box away. You think you're the first person to send shit out? You think I ENJOY that part? Cause I don't. Handling fees are for when you buy a computer and DELL has to put it together first after they sold you a quad core you'll never use but thought it sounded cool. What you do when shipping eBay items is called PARCELING, not hand, not ling, PARCELING.
